Positivity or desperation
Recently I watched, ‘The Life List,’ on Netflix, the message stuck with me and inspired a bit of deep reflection.
The mother says there are four things you should ask yourself about a partner:
- Are they kind?
- Can you tell them everything in your heart?
- Do they help you become the best version of yourself?
- Can you see them being a parent to your child(ren)?
I’ve experienced many heartbreaks; from romantic relationships, to friendships, to family, and even myself. But, somehow, I’ve always continued to look for love in those around me. Is it some sort of internal positivity or is it desperation? Is it an outcry for companionship? Not to be forgotten? It’s always been in my nature to eat up male attention. I can’t remember a time that it didn’t feel grossly important to me. It is all I’ve cared about most of my life. I never took time to worry about myself or find my own interests. Instead, I find a guy and give myself to him wholeheartedly. Our relationship becomes my identity. Even when I lived alone, while I did love having my own space both physically and emotionally, I still longed for companionship.
I’ve always felt that life is leading to something. Something that makes everything I’ve gone through worth it. But the older I get, it is becoming clear that there is no, ‘greener grass.’ This is what life looks like. We think checking things off of our proverbial list is going to eventually gain us some sort of reprieve from the day-to-day grind. When the reality is, at least, 30 more years of waking up, going through the motions, waiting for the day to end, and doing it all over again.
I have been diagnosed as AuDHD with PMDD, anxiety, and depression. For me that means that two weeks out of every single month I am absolutely miserable. The other two weeks I would call alright, because life with all of the above diagnoses isn’t particularly easy on any given day. I’ll never fit into this world that is built by neurotypicals for neurotypicals.
If anyone were to live in my mind for a day, they would be begging to get out. I can remember from a very young age wondering if going through the, ‘normal,’ motions of life was as difficult for everyone else as it was for me. And if so, why do we all keep going? The thought of the, ‘American Dream,’ has made me feel physically ill for as long as I can remember. This is not how we are meant live.
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2025
I cry nearly every day since the election results came out.
I will never understand the selfishness, stupidity, racism, sexism, and anything else you can think to add – of the people of this country.
How could anyone that knows anything about that man think he should run a donut shop, let alone an entire country.
The MAGA movement is teaching our daughters to stay quiet and be good. Do as men say, when they say to do it. It’s teaching our sons that they can lie, steal, cheat, and even rape with no consequence. He’ll still be able to be President of the United States.
My sons entire elementary school life, his formative years of learning, will be lived with this awful human being as our President. I will have to work SO much harder as a parent to ensure that things like the MAGA movement, the proud boys, or Elon’s Nazi salute does not affect him. My son respects human beings, because they are human beings. He doesn’t care what color they are, what they look like, sound like, who they are married to, their gender – he just wants to know if they’ll play dinosaurs with him. Hate is taught and it won’t be taught to my son.
I want to make note of a woman, Pamela Hemphill formerly known as MAGA Granny, who refused the President’s pardon related to the January 6th,2020, riots at the Capital. One woman, out of 1,600 people, accepts that what she did that day was wrong. She refused to insult the Capital Officers that were harmed that day.
Another very noble woman I want to make note of is Reverand Mariann Edgar Budde, the Episcopal Bishop of Washington. She was aware that the President would be attending the National Prayer Service and wrote a beautiful prayer asking the President to have mercy on the people he intends to take rights away from in the coming days, weeks, months. True heroism and bravery are what Rev. Mariann Edgar Budde is made of, we should all aspire to be more like her.
I consider myself to be agnostic, however, my opinion had absolutely no impact on how much I loved and resonated with the Reverend’s message. Maybe MAGA should take note..
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To be loved
I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately.
In particular that I will never be loved the way that I love.
I will never be cared for the way that I care for others.
I don’t know that I will ever feel well enough to treat myself the way that I treat the ones I love.
I don’t even live for myself most days.
This life, the ‘American Dream,’ is fucking miserable.
Most days it feels like I’m just waiting for the day to end, then the next day, and so on.
What’s the point?
Is there a point?
I love my son, I love my animals, I love my people.
But most of the time that just doesn’t feel like enough.
I just feel like nothing.
Just a tired laborer to this cruel world.
None of this is what I want to be doing.
The older I get, the worse I feel mentally and physically.
I don’t know how much longer I can wait for, ‘one day.’
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Past Flames
As I lay in bed trying to drift away, my mind begins to wander.
The men and boys of my past, fleeting memories of us together, run through my head.
I’m not sure why.
I begin to wonder if there are things I miss about them, as the memories continue on.
I think of a conversation between one of them and myself. We verbalized that we both did want the same thing years before. Both of us were young and confused by the other, me not wanting to do or say anything to make him reject me. All I wanted at that time was to be loved, so badly. He told me how sad that was for him to hear and apologized.
This was a first for me. He heard my pain, it resonated with him, and he wanted me to know he cared about my pain. I never could see a future with him, but I always knew under his tough exterior there was a deeply loving and caring heart that he attempted to hide from the world.
With no time in between, I begin thinking of another man from my past.
The night we met was fate, I felt it the moment I saw him.
From that night on, we were there for one another.
For some of our darkest of hours.
However, we also caused each other immense pain.
I had never felt truly loved, seen, and heard for exactly who I was, until I met him.
He pulled me out of a very dark place. One that I truly don’t know that I could have made it out of without him.
He never deserved a lot of the treatment he received from me in those dark days.
I do know that I provided him a place of solitude that he didn’t have anywhere else.
Above all else we both knew the others love was true.
I have healed and learned so much since these times.
I look back with fondness for what each of those souls provided me when I needed it most.
I’m realizing that I’ve spent most of my life trying to get men to love me in the way that I craved from my parents, my dad in particular.
Unknowingly, I’ve always longed to fill that void.
I put too much pressure on the men in my life and our relationships.
I’ve put almost no time into me, in 29 years.
Who am I?
I’ve spent my existence imagining that the ‘perfect’ man would come and save me from my life.
I now see that I am the one who has to save me.
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June 12, 2024
It’s been a hard week mentally.
Monday it felt like I was just a lump of slime, like I was back in that cocoon.
Tuesday I could barely get myself to move until I took a shower in the afternoon.
The only way that feels right to describe my mental state is very toaster bathy.
The last few days I’ve thought a lot about my animals, current and past.
I’m not sure anyone around me understands the place my animals hold in my life.
They keep me earthside.
On days that I can’t live for myself, I live for them.
The only unconditional love I’ve ever experienced has been from the heart of an animal.
No matter what, they don’t think I’m hard to love.
I just wish life felt a little bit easier.
I want to enjoy each day.
But that’s always been difficult for me.
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Caterpillar to Butterfly
It’s a difficult feeling to navigate – being happy where you are in life. Yet still carrying so much sadness for younger versions of yourself.
I continue to remind myself that those versions of me still exist and they need love and acceptance from their harshest critic. Me.
Some random Tik Tok quote once said, ‘It’s not about being the best version of yourself, its about loving the worst version of yourself.’
Everyone has faults, we don’t look at others faults and think they don’t deserve love, do we?
So, why do we do that to ourselves? Why can’t it be as easy to love ourselves, as it is to love our best friend?
The truth is, we can. But, it’s an incredibly strenuous journey to get there. For that reason, there are so many people that choose not to evolve. Because to evolve, is to find your lowest self and rebuild with the proper tools.
I compare my healing journey to that of a caterpillar’s transformation into a butterfly.
I spent my youth not knowing my purpose or what was really going on in the world around me.
But eventually I emerged from my small town and the bigoted opinions that run so deep throughout.
I’d say I spent about three years as a larva – soaking in knowledge, giving myself grace to open up, and beginning to learn what it means to love myself.
When I emerged as a beautiful butterfly, I knew I had blossomed into the next version of myself.
This version of me looked at life in a new light and was ready to heal.
My hope is that my healing and growth journey never come to an end.
We owe it to ourselves to be happy. To show grace. To love every bit of who we are.
That is my goal.
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Abortion is selfless
I am finding it increasingly harder to be around people with differing fundamental opinions and values. Because I know that I’m right.
Every human being should respect one another and the decisions people make for themselves. So long as they aren’t hurting anyone else.
What does it matter who loves who?
What does it matter if some feel as though they were born into the incorrect gender identity?
Why are we so worried about controlling one another?
They say its wrong to get an abortion, to ‘kill a baby.’
They think I am pro-murdering ‘babies.’
What these people don’t realize is that little ball of cells will soon be a human being.
Before that we hope that ball of cells has a healthy womb to grow into a beautiful baby.
After we hope that baby has two loving parents, a warm-happy home, and a full tummy each day.
That beautiful, perfect, innocent baby – who certainly never asked to be here.
Remember those are all things we hope for.
Do you know what the reality is?
Abortion is the hardest decision, that only a strong woman could make for herself.
There is no selfishness in abortion.
You are strong to admit that you are not ready or able to be a parent for any reason.
Being a parent isn’t just some silly, goofy thing you decide to do.
You’re committing to loving and caring for another human being for the rest of your life.
Being a parent never ends, even when they turn 18, or 21, or 35.
Every child deserves a healthy womb to grow in, two healthy-happy parents, a warm home, and a full tummy.
How could anyone force an innocent baby into a life where is not wanted or can’t be cared for properly?
Where it is not loved?
Where it is not safe?
Removing that ball of cells from a strong woman who has admitted she is not ready, is giving that sweet little soul the chance to enter this world in another time and place.
To two loving parents, who are ready for them.
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Being a stepparent
Until you love a child with every fiber of your being, but have to continuously be reminded that they aren’t actually yours..
Until you have to send your child away each week..
Until you have to say goodbye to them on Halloween morning, knowing you won’t get to take them trick-or-treating – closing the door behind them and breaking down..
Picking up their toys and losing it all over again..
I don’t want to be done cleaning up after my baby..
Until you hear your sweet, innocent child excited to tell his mother that he has two loving moms and she invalidates his feelings, making him feel wrong for loving someone else as much her.
You won’t understand the pain of knowing that in almost every way you are a mother, but at the end of each and every day you’re reminded that you aren’t and that child you love so much, will never truly be yours..
A split family will never be easy.
A ‘break’ from my child is not a blessing.
